truth be told.

when i see you, i smile. when i cannot see you, i smile all the more.

the truth of the matter is, i can smile without you. me smiling is my feeling, my action, my life. don't over judge yourself, or under estimate me.

the fight between reality and fantasy may sound a bit obscure, or childish even. but i say what i say not to be understood by others but only to understand myself better.

...

life is too short to hold grudges.
i´ve always told you all i wanted was for you to be happy. and you are and i´m glad.
i have no problem waiting, i´m enjoying everyday, with its new challenges and lessons. i love being surprised and having the unexpected jump into my life randomly.

the truth is my torture. love is a waiting game?

in the midst of vision
i came to the strong conclusion
that the begging was for freedom, for redemption of sins
never mind irregularity
be free, my soul
grow, be strong and true
just don´t ever deny the first influence
first love and first joy
seek what you will with vigor
be authentic and right
and always remember that by which you came
as it is where you shall return
with hope i plead for honor
as i am bid well and goodbye
i´ll be seeing you
in my dreams
coming real in front of me all too soon
for this world will inevitably seem the same
and that is when we meet again

live both worlds, learn the most.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

thanks, charlie. i love to compare my life to this quote. particularly right now, as i am living in a "foreign" country at 18 years old. i am constantly bombarded with choices, there are times when i do the right thing, and there are times i dont. but i am trying my hardest to be true to myself and to live this year to it´s fullest. and as i make every choice, a reaction occurs. and i learn from that reaction, whether it comes from me, from another person, or situation, etc..

not only am i attempting to master a new language here in spain, but i am also growing as a person, changing and developing inside. i am anxious to see how much i "change" when i get back to the states, and how my view changes towards certain things. or all things. it´s a mystery to me, something i am eager to explore all over again, with a new perspective.

the highs and lows here so far have been remarkable, for the first time in my life i have been truly homesick and depressed in that way. on the other side of the spectrum, i have been more happy than i have ever felt in my life, with new emotional highs and positive relationships (with my host parents, friends, nature, my maker). i also now have a hunger to grow more, to learn more, to experience brand new things further, and understand myself and the world around me better.

and i have about 8 more months to do so. man, life is good.

i have to be so grateful for the painful times or uncomfortable moments because every one of them imparts another tidbit of wisdom on this little curious girl.

"Life is a succession of moments. To live each moment is to succeed."-Corita Kent

just breathe.

life is full of choices. full of motions, emotions, reactions, newness, etc.
i cannot speak as though i know very much, as i have not yet lived for very long. but, with the few years given me, i have started to become who i am. many times i allow my feelings to act as my devil, to hinder me from living without fear, doubt, and pain. to pull me down and act as an immobilizer. these times feel like the end, as though nothing can improve. but that is when i must re-adjust my focus and dwell on positivity. sometimes life feels too overwhelming or painful, and i simply want an easier path to take. however feelings come and go as the wind blows, sometimes strong, sometimes calm, or sometimes somewhere in between.
then, a rationality of my seemingly depressed reality comes into play. breathe, just breathe. count up those blessings, mariah. then decide how lousy life really is. it´s impossible to feel down after making a list of what i have, of who cares about me, and what i know i can accomplish in the future.
okay, so i live in spain. i have the best mom back in florida. my dad is my hero. no man will ever match up to him. i got complimented today on my spanish. i live 5 minutes walking distance fromthe mediterranean sea. my future shows nothing but promise. i like myself. i like my life. the end.

irrevocably enchanted.

take advantage of your opportunities

tell me you love me every chance you get

take no time for granted

live for the moment

and love with everything you have

um, possibly best advice ever given me. the man should write music or something. or just love me for a good long time.. and never giving up on me (as i'm not as strong as he). *but, i will be. so--please don't fear a shallow or minuscule underlying amount of confidence. i do not know such a bleak heart. not in myself.

happiness is a choice. so as long as the choice is made to follow the words above i know i can attain quite the satisfactory life. the first time reading the quote (yes i just called it a "quote" ;) i immediately saved it, without hesitation. to me it sums up blissfulness and truly sweet, beautiful love. and living to the fullest potential in harmony with the people around. what more could a person ask for? it takes two to tango, you know. and why can't everyone just consume themselves in love, in peace, and being positive. wow sounds really flowery and euphoric, hardly practical. but in fact it is practical. he's always been practical and into being selfless, while gently leading others to enjoy life just as he does. and giving all the while. giving more than anyone i know. sharing happiness and being available and holding a person at such high value.

and it took me this long to really understand this. oh time really does torture a person. while building and growing stronger through every bit. thanks time, for beating me up.. i'm ready for the next punch whenever. guess you could say i'm a glutton for punishment.

well, endless possibilities lie in everyone, in every heart. the choices are right there. the potential unfathomable. oh, to be irrevocably enchanted and consumed.

i have nothing but thanks in my heart at this point. so much thankfulness, in fact, it happens to overflow into an absolute and grateful type of love. giving me an obstinate countenance in the most positive way. an intricate and personal feeling, that is all. everyone has their own version. mine includes another person. and further, mine is because of another person.

deep breath, don't cry. i know that was beautiful.

and so are blue eyes and spontaneous i love you's. ridiculously beautiful.

................................................................................................................................................

well, to contrast. this is about 6 months old, un vislumbre de la vida at a different time and through different eyes. one of those recuperations from a really hard blow, a temporary paralysis.

might be back in the archives of the blog world but it recently sparked new and fresh interest into my ever-changing, learning mind. so here it is, slightly short- but- new- old stuff...

Sometimes, looking for help, hindrance finds me instead. Or a hindrance can be disguised as a help, or vice versa. I believe I have paralyzed my emotions, to a point where my thoughts no longer make sense. I've lost meaning, motivation, and peace. I have all of the tools needed to overcome this monster of sorts yet I doubt everything. I doubt purpose, love, justice. I am unsure of everything, I dwell in the pity of my past. And lack a desire to examine my heart, to see the extent of the ugliness present.

...ugh (sound of disgust), so that was yucky, for lack of a more pedantic term. those days were uncomfortable and full of aches. yet those make up the time when i had to fight against everything natural to overcome the horrid flesh and grow healthier and stronger. to mold and shape who i am now, to who i will be. it was one of the more difficult instances in the scant amount of days i've lived. not an enjoyable time to say the least. only now is it possible to feel so grateful.

in closing, I quote a random poem excerpt from Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage against the dying of the light

In essence, you can sleep when you’re dead..

HU

FOR EACH OF US THERE IS A MOMENT OF DISCOVERY. WE TURN A PAGE. WE RAISE A HAND. AND JUST THEN, IN THE FLASH OF A SYNAPSE, WE LEARN THAT LIFE IS ELEMENTAL. AND THIS KNOWLEDGE CHANGES EVERYTHING. WE LOOK AROUND AND SEE THE GRANDNESS OF THE SCHEME. SODIUM BONDING WITH CHLORIDE. CARBON BONDING WITH OXYGEN. HYDROGEN BONDING WITH OXYGEN. WE SEE ALL THINGS CONNECTED. WE SEE LIFE UNFOLD. AND IN THE DAZZLING BRILLIANCE OF THIS KNOWLEDGE, WE MAY OVERLOOK THE ELEMENT NOT LISTED ON THE CHART. ITS IMPORTANCE SO OBVIOUS ITS PRESENCE IS SIMPLY UNDERSTOOD. THE MISSING ELEMENT IS THE HUMAN ELEMENT. AND WHEN WE ADD IT TO THE EQUATION, THE CHEMISTRY CHANGES. EVERY REACTION IS DIFFERENT. POTASSIUM LOOKS TO BOND WITH POTENTIAL. METALS BEHAVE WITH HARDENED RESOLVE. AND HYDROGEN AND OXYGEN FORM DESIRE. THE HUMAN ELEMENT IS THE ELEMENT OF CHANGE. IT GIVES US OUR FOOTING TO STAND FEARLESSLY AND FACE THE FUTURE. IT IS A WAY OF SEEING THAT GIVES US A WAY OF TOUCHING. ISSUES. AMBITIONS. LIVES.

So I stole this from the old Dow human element campaign. I've read it over and over and I find it just brilliant. Not much of a science buff, yet that's not what this is about, not at all. While the surrounding world is full of beauty and mystery, it is in the human being where real creativity, complexity, and originality can be found. Everyone is unique. Providing potential to do much.
To learn so much, to feel so much, to be so much.

Where am I going with this one..?

I was born to tell you I love you

I am torn to do what I have to.

I am feeling so ambitious..

I have two completely different things, two opportunities in front of me, one lasts only a certain time to be sure, another could last.. A lifetime? That’s how relationships work. Friendships last forever, they don’t just go away. Time will not rewind or erase, neither will the bond be broken. But dreams only last for the night.. Oh and some trips last but a year, one short year of life, and end abruptly and are passed by. Hopefully. Or not..? Torn is exactly the word.

Another word is sacrifice. And openness. Those are rather, things I must practice starting very soon. I do love change so much, I am ready for the best time of my life, yet I am being such a typical girl, to the nth degree. I’m putting my feelings in a place where they could be stepped on, where things could get pretty ugly. I’m also putting how I feel first.. Dangerous. Yes, this has most certainly occurred before now, however this is the most crucial time, the point where everything is heightened and more sensitive than my mother is to the cold. Hives and all..

So, it’s not like I have some crucial decision to make right now, really it is quite the contrary. I have everything I could possibly want. I am surrounded by people who love me, I have an amazing year ahead of me, and I will have an incredible life awaiting me upon my return from the year abroad. Seriously, I must get it together--people would kill for a life like mine. I AM the luckiest girl in the entire world. End of pointless story. Everything is gonna be alright.

Breathe in, Jump forward. No return. Time cannot rewind. Or forget..

I cannot settle for feeling weak, for feeling the inadequacy of giving in, whatever. Instead the more positive mindset must include the following: This is going to be the happiest time of my life. This is pregame for the biggest learning experience thus far. I am focusing on simply surrounding myself with the people I care about immensely and doing things I enjoy most. Including trying new things, even if with old people. Newness will come all too soon. My time should not be taken for granted. Life is what I make of it, or rather what I do with what is given me. I am responsible for it. Wow how repetitious it seems, how often those words come back to haunt me, with greatest ease. There is a time for everything. It’s time to have some fun. Be young, be open to learning but also to enjoying comfort, security, and joy at the fullest extent possible, which is so beyond my spectrum of thinking. And I happen to love that.

Pain and suffering are not for the present. Facing fears and doubts are important, but tiresome is the stab of reality. Ouch. So, “don’t worry, be happy” must fuel everything. “There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance..” Time to be in love with life again. To love and be loved. Nothing over the top, just letting go in order to be as happy as possible.

Support of this cause would be appreciated. It does not take much. Funny, it’s actually the more natural thing to do in this instance. Happy is the girl who drops the arduous weight of insecurity, and enjoys living a thing called life.

An End, A Beginning

In many ways does this title ring true. I have finished my American high school career, graduating from West Nassau High School. I have "graduated" and completed all orientation conferences in preparation for my exchange year. I have ended a relationship.
In the process of leaving this state of Florida and this country, I have met so many amazing people, and I don't want this time to be over. But we are all (in regards to my rye friends), in the next month or two, about to get on many different planes and go to all places in this world, in search of things beyond our knowledge and capacity. We will return changed. Bilingual being the most prevalent change in all of us.. but I am also very curious to see how much we all transform after going through the highs, lows, and challenges of the exchange.
September marks a beginning of a new chapter, of the start of a metamorphosis. Brand new feelings, experiences, people.. these things make me smile right now, but I am sure they will also make me cry.
I am so grateful for this opportunity. The repetitious phrase says it all. Only in my dreams did I imagine doing something like this, living in a European country for a year, getting out there. And attached to this whole "dream come true" concept, I am lucky enough to have a support system like no other. People care so much-they give their time to help me out. To prepare me for MY year. Yeah, I take that personally. Rotary is absolutely amazing. And then I have all these exchange student friends who have so much in common with me (yes, more than being from good 'ole Florida), who understand what I'm going through, and will continue to share similar feelings with me as we all go through common rough times and changes, culture shock and euphoria and curiosity.. and more that I am not aware or ready for. The learning experience.
Saying goodbye yesterday partially gave me an idea that this was, in fact, all coming to life all too soon. We are all about to be gone. For an entire year.. wow.
Thus, it begins so much for so many. It begins the rest of our lives. Personally, it marks a new time, phase, chapter, a new learning experience in a new place doing brand new things. Oh, how I love the sound of that..

Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind.

Seneca

The sun burns every day. It burns time.

So, I have an addiction. I am quite a cutter. I cut my hair so often I'm surprised I'm not bald. One day, I'm afraid. The same goes with coloring, but I'm taking a vacation from that adventure for the time being. Trial and error, that's how it goes with my hair. I suppose that works for every aspect in life since no one is perfect. Duh. Needless to say, I am proud of my haircut. It's really not much different. I just enjoy slight changes ever so often. That's me.
I read the book Fahrenheit 451 the other night, and wow, there are some good quotes in the book. Ray Bradbury reminds me a lot of Mr. Vonnegut, humorous and I definitely can never put the books down..
This one is oh, so good.
"What do you do, go around trying everything once?"
"Sometimes twice."
Good life motto.
"Well, after all, this is the age of the disposable tissue. Blow your nose on a person, wad them, flush them away. Reach for another, blow, wad, flush."
At first, I felt a little guilty of the disposable tissue use myself. However, I must realize I am in no way nearly as guilty of such a sin as I may feel. Everyone is selfish, yes, but I do not practice this technique regularly. Only sometimes. And really I just adore the analogy. Fantastically witty.
"The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a hand over her. The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies."
Thus, everyone wants to read about life, about meaning, about existence. And find good writers, they don't have to be excellent, for then I probably wouldn't understand half of what they say. Just good ones.
Dover Beach/last stanza/Matthew Arnold 1867
Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.
"...maybe it's best not to face things, to run have fun..."
This hits home hardest. I, for certain, hate to face things. In the book Guy is about to run away, as he has just been caught with forbidden books and has murdered. I haven't had to deal with such a situation, yet I can relate. Do you run away and forget the past or face it and get burned? Does it depend on the situation? Or should one always bite down and take it? Fear is the root, or is it simple selfishness? Well, here's another good one..
"Mistakes can be profited by. If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn."
"I'll hold on to the world tight someday. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning."

Well, may the belt unravel and the pants fall, for those deserving. May jest last as long as wit. For those who seek, may they find what they're looking for. And when all else fails, go read a book.

make me smile

I feel like making a list of things that make me happy, things that make me smile.
It's a good morning, and i haven't even had any coffee yet..
*music by kate nash
*walking on the beach at night--an hour can seem like a lifetime, especially when you can't find the beach access you came out on
*receiving random compliments, in the morning
*reading random quotes, deep ones, sarcastic ones
*drinking odwalla
*drinking coffee
*drinking mango arizona tea
and anything else mango
*feeling loved
and needed
and wanted
*buying clothes i don't really need
*laughing uncontrollably in bed with brittani
and not knowing why we're laughing
*new music
*new people
*humor
*fast cars
*good naps
*costa blanca

the list goes on and on..

Naps, Nausea, and Words

Waking at 6.38 in the morning, nauseous and wide awake, is hardly pleasant. It's more like one of the worst feelings, after the initial act of vomiting. But after getting quite a bit of sleep throughout the day, my awful aches and icky feelings have subsided. Hopefully for good. I think at this point I must blame my place of work, along with my decision to eat on break late last night. Forget coleslaw and onion rings for a long time. A very long time indeed.
Something more worth while: "Words, like eyeglasses, blur everything they do not make clear." -Joseph Joubert
So I can most certainly agree with this. When completely unnecessary and not needed, I am great with words. Then, as my situation relies on it more, I close up and lose all fluidity. Words are remarkable things, I cannot even begin to explain. Used to do good, bad, and everything in between. In relationships, I find I have most difficulty explaining my feelings or saying exactly what I'm thinking at a given time. Why is this? Insecurity? Inexperience? A mixture of things no doubt; a character flaw needing some surgery, or at least some therapy. And basic practice.
Words open another world, a seemingly infinite realm of communication or historical log or just art. And then there are so many languages, forming these words in many different and beautiful shapes and structures, formed by many intricate sounds that roll of the tongue.

Harmony, Bereavement, Culture

Mariah Coxwell
6/11/09
Outbound to Alicante, Spain 2009-10
"What is Culture?"

Culture: behaviors, beliefs, qualities of a civilization, development, commonly transmitted from one generation to another (dictionary.reference.com).
I was born in Tallahassee, Florida; a city which is inhabited by mostly those college educated, who appreciate the rural and city elements of the area in harmony. This culture in the capital city of Florida is that of a college city, with many young adults and young families who pride themselves in having a good education and well-paying job. I lived here until I was 10. It is difficult to remember much of the culture there, as I was young.
I then moved to Saint Petersburg, Florida, a multi-cultural area to say the least. Many living there are first or second generation Floridians, coming from the North, or even first or second generation Americans. Where I lived, a block away from bars, restaurants, and bait shops, one could always hear sirens throughout the day and midnight car racing--never was there silence. My next-door neighbors were from Bosnia, who had fled the Bosnia and Herzegovina War in the mid 1990s. They would bring over baklava and other desserts, roast whole pigs outside, and play lots of loud music (they had many late-night parties with other Bosnians). Their 2 young boys helped them with their English. They personally changed their culture as I lived there; they bought a Ford Mustang to be more “American”, along with a big Ford truck a few years later. They enjoyed conversing with my mother, though they would rarely get anywhere with their minimal English speaking skills. Across the street was another family with 3 boys; they were from Jordan (Arab country in Southwest Asia). The parent’s names were Khaldea and Mohammad, but went by Americanized names Kelly and Mike. He owned some gas stations and she stayed home, constantly cleaning. Their house was gorgeous and spotless. They played lots of Arabic music, had family over often (a massive family), and followed the Muslim religion strictly--it took awhile to understand how Ramadan works. They too would share their language and food with us. These two families impacted me most while living in this larger port city of Florida. I appreciate the influence from other countries they provided and the relationships made with them.
At fifteen, my father had a job transfer to Jacksonville, Florida. We reside in Callahan today, a tiny town north of the grand city. Moving here, my family went through some culture shock, as the people are so friendly and treat everyone like close family. This was odd, since my family had come from a bigger city, and all the sudden we’re in a town that has only two stoplights, and no Target, everybody waving as you drive by or talking your ear off in Winn Dixie. I couldn’t help but wonder: Why would anyone want to live here?
Well, I have learned more of what culture is (and can be) after living here for the past 3 years. I have gained a respect for the people while still holding an open mind to moving on, out of this town. The community is precious, as whenever times are rough for someone, everybody helps out. It’s like a big family. Though there aren’t many college (or high school) graduates here, malls close by, or exciting events taking place (unless you include rodeos, bonfires, or high school football games), yet it is quite homey and comfortable. Rural culture at its finest. But, it is also a silent motivation to get out of my comfort zone.
Now I must touch on the upcoming culture change, my move to Alicante, Spain, in two short months. Though I have not yet been there, I have done some research and know the change is going to be life-altering. New language, school, family, food, EVERYTHING… And it will once again provide a new cultural perspective, the most significant yet.
So, again I must ask myself: “What is Culture?”
Culture is people, their attributes, their harmony with the world around them. Culture is growth, as well as tradition. It is such a valuable aspect of society because it transmits all products of humanity, from the celebration of birth to the bereavement of death.

Fond Of Change

Not by any means is that taken from the White House occupant. This change I am so fond of is based on my personal life. So, I really am not fond of hurting people at all. Yet fact is, sometimes in order to be true to myself I have to let others down, hurting them. Shame how I can't just be perfect, how life can't just go smoothly, all the time. But then, would I learn anything?

Things are good, thankfully, after assuming the sky would fall through, fire and brimstone. I truly am blessed and watched out for. When I don't always have the ability to give it right back, so much love is shown me. Thanks.

Recent Past

I stumbled upon some journals written in my notebook in May. Some good stuff, if I say so myself. Well, more like interesting.
May 3, 2009.
This one was titled "High Expectations", and went somewhat as follows:
how i wish i could see the potential, the potential of you and me...
It's been quite awhile since i've recorded my thoughts. It's as if turning eighteen started yet another era in the lack of self-improvement area. Well, this is a battle, against the unchanging, against ignorance.. While for some reason I cannot clearly portray my thoughts, I certainly have much to say. Quite a bit has happened in the past month or so. April '09 certainly marked a time of development, major change, insight, self-searching, and the ever-present battle of being grateful or not.
School is-thank God-coming to an end, having but 15 full days left excites me immensely. I would be catching up on homework right now I seem to have misplaced all of my needed textbooks. Ah, well, there's always tomorrow. (That's my professional procrastination talking.)
...My mind is an ocean, a drowned organ, consumed with dreams, hopes, fears, and anticipation...
I still feel as though expressing myself exposes my ignorance. I'm afraid my expectations for myself are a bit too high, or maybe that's a good thing, I suppose.
(Ha,) I should get paid for sweet stuff like this, such pure artistic talent. Raw. Dave and the roses. Discounts for blondes(?)
*I left a doodle on the notebook paper, but am not feeling empowered to scan it to show. Imagine.. a sketch of two roses, leaves and vine. That is all.

Well, now that I've given that one, I have yet another I found while flipping through the journal.
10 de mayo
Hoy es el dia de madres. Tambien el cumpleanos de mi hermana naomi. Ella es trece. Vieja. :)
I can remember when i turned thirteen. I felt as though i'd officially arrived.. could view pg 13 movies, get a boyfriend and such. A nice age for sure. Not that in my eighteen years i would know what is "good". I have yet to know the best year, maybe this coming one. Definitely. Bangs might do the trick. Or travel. Ah, who am i kidding.
The blissfulness and wonder of ignorance & immaturity. I need to stop cutting myself down. Geez.
How I detest the monotonous, bleak lifestyle of a "high schooler". 10 more days and all will be complete. At least, en estados unidos.
...God, I love music. It speaks when I am speechless. As the mind soars, the tongue is paralyzed. God bless computers. And music, once again. So, as I don't know what to say, music fills the void. "We'll carry on", past scars, the death of all our friends, and this shoddy cursive (now clearly typed), that I could hardly pencil down.
I feel as though I over-analyze my life at times. Aver-analyze myself. It then holds me back, I'm afraid, from the full potential meant to be reached.
Oh, technology. A blessing and a curse. As is any item of addiction. Truly. Each opens up the mind, as it constrains.
*In this journal I then went a bit free, writing down whatever random words in whatever random order my mind provided. Here's a taste, but I am reluctant to give it all:
Jupiter misses the effervescent miracles as utter movement and monument. ..Figuratively ignorance speaks volumes on the subject style. ..Funny one plays pity by acting lethargic.
*Well, there you have it, some very odd stuff no doubt.
What does it mean anyways? If I knew, well, you'd have your explanation. As would I. And it really just means whatever the heck I want. I wrote it.
*I went on to write..
I'm in love with feelings wish are rushes of blood and smiley giggles. It seems more like a habit than anything, something I interpret as love. Ouch..
Curses for questioning existence, faith and love, only getting more questions in return. Forget thinking I'm no good at this. Lacking confidence makes for a rather bad mood. Lacking vigor and pitiless motions toward what? What do I live for again? (or who?) Not me. Yes, Me.
"What's my age again?"

So the two May journals I think are rather neat. As well as

Ah, sweet return. Volver.

I had no clue one could "undelete" a blog. Fabulous technology. Fictitious word.
It is time to continue and restore the habits of blogging. Keeping record of my oh so interesting life and thoughts, at their best. But really, as the date comes closer and closer, I find it is quite necessary I jot down thoughts, emotions, desires, absurdities.. and prepare to do so when I am away.
After an extremely long nap, and as the rain falls outside, my mind is clear but unofficially shallow for some reason. I blame the long nap. And lack of caffeine in my system. Definitely due to the lack of caffeine. Shoot, I'm addicted.
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
--Gandhi
Every day given me I cherish and pursue as gold or rubies, as a blessing to do things such as breathe. Or to go further, to experience more. Experience people, feelings, actions, and all the while--learn. A person may die physically, but the soul lives eternally. We'll see.

Earth Day

Happy Earth Day, try to be green.

The first tattoo has been etched into my body, and wow does it look amazing. I'm hooked. They're beautiful. I know it all depends on what you get but art on skin is ina whole new dimension. Utter beauty. Now i have to say the itching and peeling and scabbing isn't my kind of beauty, but all the pain and now this little itch is well worth it.

Historic, right.

Every time I make an assumption, yep, you guessed it, I make an ass out of myself. Well,not every single time. But seriously, I am a bad assumer. I just made up a word. And I ave officially become an ass. ?

Nevertheless, I had a marvelous birthday. So much positive attention is always good for the ego. I felt beautiful, myself, and ever-so-slightly, free. But not completely, obviously. The cake was nice, but chocolate. The balloons were, too (nice, nice, very nice) but one popped on the way home. I wanted to bless out that monkey of a boy on the bus. But that is simply what I deserve for being an ass. A bus ride home on my 18th birthday. I don't think "ass" is a good descriptive word though, I am by no means a jerk of any kind, but a lousy assumption maker and decision maker indeed. I think cursing is just something that is a bit liberating, adult like, maybe? Well, never mind. Ha, I'm big timin' now. Saying bad words, eating chocolate cake (my favorite is vanilla, hello. it's been nearly eighteen years, and still no idea?) I need to stop the bitter teenager nonsense. I am a woman. Grown adult woman. And let's pretend I have every adult responsibility and stress that comes along with it, so I must stop being a bitter child and face life as a mature human being.

Two new books acquired today: Siddhartha and God Bless You, Doctor Kevorkian. God bless Kurt Vonnegut, and I'm excited to read Siddhartha as well. Maybe find someone more to bless. God bless JROH. I could have another gratitude list on my hands..

What it's like

My last high school birthday.
My first birthday as an adult.
What more is there to say? What is it like? I feel no different. I have not experienced anything remotely adultlike as of today. I still answer to the same authority. Ew I sound so high and mighty saying adult all the time. It truly isn't so. I still am treated as a child therefore that must be what I am. How pitiful is that logic though, really? I AM ME. Others will not determine who I am. They cannot. I feel the need for a gratitude list on this fine day. How especially nice considering the significant day, after all.
*KDH--nobody else called me at 7:30 in the morning to tell me "happy birthday". truly my very best friend
*Ferrero Rocher--as I am p.m.s.ing like a mad woman, chocolate always satisfies the soul
*balloons--as tacky and childish as they may be, I still enjoy the added attention on the special day.
*hooker heels--not really. but heels nonetheless.
*abercrombie boys with no brain--how wonderful, oh the fun
*coffee--it is the one item I must never leave out, since I depend on it to write. well, to survive. yikes.
*mika--gays make the best music I swear
*a natural tan--not the fake-bake kind, but the hard earned, vitamin d kind. sweet jesus hallelujah.
*momma. yeah I know. whew.
*and Rachel Corrie(23 when she was killed). I find much inspiration in her life and words--not the typical peace weeny inspiration, but the value of self-confidence and genuine expression. of he love and analysis of life. raw life. and proving that living in another country makes life a whole lot bigger. full of meaning and beauty.
More to come as the day progresses. This is a day to go down in history. Hah--always have to end on such a sarcastic note. So it goes.

The Eve

Tomorrow I am Eighteen. Eighteen. Wow. I have a feeling nothing in my life is going to change. Pessimistic? No, just coming to sense the inevitable reality upon me. Nothing crazy good is going to happen, I will just be considered one year older, considered an adult, but no major changes will occur. No running away with the fairytale prince, no military enlistment, no young hopeless marriage, no apartment on my own writing and living completely indy. Nupe. Na. Nope. Nada.
Instead, I will continue this lifestyle. Breathing. In and out. Looking forward to what lies ahead and forgetting the past. Looking forward to Spain and to education and to new love and experiencing the world outside of the small southern town I currently reside in. I do not call it home. I am not home. My home is not of this world.
Ah, I just remembered; I do get to do something "crazy good" upon reaching adulthood: I am privileged to have the opportunity to down a half-gallon of Breyers Vanilla Swirl ice cream in the morning for breakfast, with my coffee. Nice, nice, very nice.
I have to give myself a big pat on the back since I have resisted temptation for some time now; my parents would be oh so proud. And sadly all I am for it is utterly depressed and in pain. The side effects will wear off, and the hurt will make me stronger, right? Thankfully, caffeine and food are my comforts, along with the glorious art of reading and writing, and getting encouragement and hugs-DC. So there's some optimism. Hah.
On the eve of my birthday celebration, I am open and elaborate, I am trying to be excited and jubilant. All I know is I can smoke now. Legally. And vote. and club. and get a tattoo. and run away. Oh really, be serious. Nothing changed but a day, a wrinkle in time, and a term. Adult. Well, "Here we are"
I have officially arrived.
Topped off with sime juicy sarcasm. The best kind.

Easter 2009

Pizza and Ambrosia. Electric football and pictures.
Not the common sunday lunch for an easter, but presumably comfortable, interesting, and laughable. Next year won't be the same-no doubt. No pizza or funny football hobbies, but I am anticipating something quite good.
Books seem to haunt me. Rather, themes and lessons learned.
Good quote today, Benjamin Franklin, something to the effect of laziness being so slow that poverty will soon overtake him. Food for thought.
Say goodnight and go.

Happy Easter

After being a glutton this afternoon, I am so very close to passing out due to the immense lethargy overtaking of my being. Food was demolished today. And I am reaping all of the lovely benefits. Just figured i should put the 'ol noggin and phalanges to use before my siesta.
Monday I meet with a girl my age for lunch, she's from Spain. I am bragging. I am lucky. In 5 months I am in Spain. I am beyond lucky. I am blessed. And oh so excited. Seriously though. WOW.. 5 more months..
And in 4 days, well, yeah. Not that anything is going to change. Blah. It will be marvelous regardless. Yes, indeed. I will make it so.
Be a dynamo of volition.

Oh by the way, this is the weekend in which the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is celebrated, so Jesus--Thank You, and Have a Happy Easter.

turmoil, fever, bittersweet hell

There will be no more excuses. I write when available and fluid. Blah. Granted I actually wrote some good junk yesterday, right before I took myself a 13 hour+ nap. Fell asleep sometime around 5pm, give or take, and got up this morning at 6 to get to my guidance appointment 45 minutes early. Oh the joy of being on Spring Break. With no social life. Yip yip yippee. Well tomorrow is the last weekday left of this magnificent break, and I must get as much sun as I possibly can, worshipping the sun has been my one enjoyable outlet this week. Besides learning how to communicate and open up to another stranger. Good tears, good times.

I suppose I could reimpose the complete rant I went on yesterday, but here's but a glimpse. Ha (vislumbre de la vida).

Primero, some random thoughts/words/phrases I jotted down..:

To whom do I give this honor? Blessed Assurance. Chrysanthemum (t'was simply boasting since I could spell it). Blistering Irony (thanks, J Balls). Waste Away the Day.

And then I found this old thing, resting in my folder, hopelessly on the back of a doodle:

oh! what bliss

through whisper and hiss

does the wind carry the song

through the doubt,

pain and drought

my soul yearns for the song

so the song goes:

once I loved

once I fell

felt turmoil, fever, bittersweet hell

+didn't quite finish it, but it has some promise ;)

maybe someday...

and for tonight, I will not reimpose any more, but leave with:

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.

Well said, Mr. Szasz (pronounced /sas/), well said.

SB Babe

For a day with little inspiration, it sure was a gorgeous one to look at. The weather was magnificent; with a constant cool breese and and endless supply of sunshine. After the rain, the spring colors never see more life and vibrance. Good picture day. Many bright colors and luscious growth about. I always can comment on the weather when there seems to be nothing else.

If only my mind had seen such life. It was a dormant t.v. watching, eating, sleeping day for the mj. Taking advantage of some serious Spring Break action. Woo hoo.

Buenas noches.

Tomorrow is a new day.

With new endless opportunities.

Plvs vltra.

This was yesterday:
Sun, ocean, sand, waves, sky: in harmony.
I was so caught up in the moment and so sunburnt following the escapade that blogging escaped my mind. A good sacrifice, if you ask me. I wish I lived on the beach.
This is today:
Aloe, drink lots of water, do lots of homework, try to enjoy the first day of spring break. I really want to start a new book, but I'm having trouble finding one. It's funny--the good books always seem to appear, I don't look for them.. maybe I'll have one of those moments..
Until then, I'm going to take a moment and view part of a movie about inbred cannibals. What a lovely mix.

Shameless lies.

I'm sorry to admit professing shameless lies. Well just one, really. I managed to miss another journal day. A sincere "oops" is required here. I did, however, spend my time reading another most excellent book from Kurt V. Cat's Cradle was another though provoker. Exactly what I need right now. Seriously. It sucked me in and made me question much of my personal philosophy, or lack there of. Thus provided a spark to fill the empty spaces.
The read was so enjoyable, considering all the important underlined parts and little notes in the margins (on top of it being a Vonnegut). JROH lent me her personal copy of the book. Lucky me. An enlightening experience indeed.
Oh, today was my last high school talent show. Poor me, growing old. I was overtaken by nervousness today (for some odd reason), as if I wasn't good, or something. I let it get to me late in my Voegele tribute. Ah, well. It's only life. I probably am the only one to notice detail like that, losing my voice control late in the game. I could give some great excuses.. the whole school (as it seemed) was focused on me in those intense few minutes, and I seem to struggle as far as being judged by my peers. Still. I know, how juvenile. Typically puerile and silly of me. I am talented--I won last year. Hello. Focus.
I will be eighteen in twelve days.
I see professional "wise council" in six.
Yet there is no certainty or date to dwell on which indicates what else my life holds.
Ah, the mysterious, sublime life I lead. Or follow. Live. Shameless lies.

It's like a book elegantly bound but in a language I can't read, just yet.

On the Radio

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

Regina Spektor couldn't have stated it any better.
So today was nerve straining, but the outcome was effortlessly positive and beautiful. And music continues to help in the process. Oh, how it soothes the soul. The weary, broken, pitiful soul.
There will be more tomorrow. I started a new book. The rain still falls.

Which reminds me..
They sing, raindrops falling on my head
But that doesn't mean that i am dead

Well, here we are.

It's Tuesday, and I'm behind on my blogging. Yesterday I read the first 8 chapters of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. Awesome book. It makes you think about life and about death. So it goes.

Funny story about dear Kurt's novel. Yesterday, I was recommended Slaughterhouse Five, and assumed that Ms. Henderson had the book. She did, of course, so I borrowed it. As I walked back to my 4th period classroom, I was just taking a quick glance over the book, and I noticed my name was written in pencil on the inside cover, to the side. Although she has NEVER had a Mariah in any class until ME, the book had my name written in it. ODD?? She had no idea that I was going to ask for it. I smiled to myself in astonishment. I was meant to read it, it was meant to be in my hands, and that's all I know. Funny how things happen. Odd and beautiful and meaningful.

Can I just say--I'm so thankful for people. People who are real, who are sincere, who are thinkers. I've never appreciated others like I do now. And I've never appreciated relationships like I do presently. Something clicked in my mind, that things happen for a reason, that people are inserted in my life for specific purposes. And, as it happens, it cannot be explained. I love how it all comes about. Mysteriously and spontaneously. Because of others, I enjoy the experiences of life more. I love life. What a beautiful mess it is. Like picking up trash in dresses. Well, here we are.

I've read that making a gratitude list is good for the soul. Acknowledging benefits in life.

Here goes,

I appreciate..

people who think for themselves-I have lived lazily, allowing others to think for me.. now I grow to respect thinkers more and more

coffee-without it, my life would be dull and short; more time spent asleep, less time spent reading, less time spent thinking

words-unencumbered numbered words, and hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words

forgiveness-without that, life would be a constant pain

advice-well, good advice, like: PLAY THE GAME, RESPECT, APOLOGIZE. Through the rough stuff, it's certainly life-changing, amazing

love-though it comes in forms I cannot fathom, in ways I have not yet experienced, I am appreciative of the love that is shown to me

life-I have taken it for granted, and will do it again, but the hand I have been dealt is one that shows promise for my future, that is what I am most grateful for

I must finish the book today. 2 more chapters.

Quiero ser..

I read a journal the other day, and was attracted back to it again today, just a minute ago. It was written by a girl just a bit older than I (she's in France as an exchange student); she mirrors what I fully desire to be a year from now. Whether I go abroad or not, this is exactly what I want to become, to embody the persona immaculately with the assurance I've longed for (in my own way, but with the same qualities). I'll say it again and again, that is what I yearn for--self-assurance and awareness. I want to discover and create who I am. I cannot wait.
She wrote on how she has changed: matured, and lost the childish, lazy tendencies to procrastinate and waste any time. She helped me understand (as much as my inexperienced and young mind can fathom) how great the exchange experience impacted her life, and her hopes of others feeling the same feelings she has. If I do not get the opportunity to go abroad, I want to push myself to the place where she is, I want to look at and be pleased with the way I have lived, with the things I have done and with the person I have become. What an awesome thought.
And with that, I press on.
One day at a time.

Narcissism Gets the Best of Us

Today I Am One Step Closer

One step closer to living my one dream
Of being in a new country,
Transforming myself,
Becoming Mariah.

Now Only Time Can Tell

And Counselors

And, well, Mariah

----------------

Being in love with yourself is not an easy task. It seems as though it would be, but it takes a lot of work. After a while, however, it does come naturally, as any habit or lifestyle would. It takes over the mind, and is, though time and effort-consuming, fun. It is ever so unfortunate when a sin like so is fun. It makes it so much more difficult to break oneself down, destroy the monster, eliminate the habit. Relapse and second offenses come often. The battle is not won alone. One day at a time,
Spain-bound
Mariah

I have doubted, I have used, lied, cheated, stolen, wasted, and hurt you
I'm at the lowest place, and can't see a positive
Wish I could turn back the last year of my existence
Regret

I, I, I
I'm so selfish
So ridiculously narcissistic
Revolving under my own gun
Almost there
Defeat

But I can move on
Give it up, be free
It's a great place, It's humiliating
It hurts like hell
But it's a struggle and a win
A death and a birth
Pain

And I continue to learn, to push, and to trust
All the while
Hating who I've been
Knowing what I've caused
Disgust

Woman

March is Women's History Month. Unfortunately, I am not "officially" a woman until next month, but whatever. Still a 17-year-old girl. This month's for mommy then. Enjoy my dear.

What is it to be a woman? Have kids, do laundry, be supported by a man? No, that is a housewife. I want to understand and live as a woman, to find what it really means and is. Who is John Galt?

This morning I finished The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. This morning I was informed that her son committed suicide. At first, I though he had died today. It was the 16th I think, of this month though. Yet TODAY I found out, not by looking for it--just a piece of random information from Henderson. Odd? Quite. Mental illnesses certainly runs her family, since Plath herself committed suicide in 1963. But I had to find out the day I finished her book. Really?

On a less morbid note, I feel accomplished to have finished a book in 3 days. I enjoy the immoderate, self-indulgence of a good binge novel. It empowers me. I realize I must do it more often, thanks to scribd.com. I just love scribd.

And I'll add more later,

for now--

enjoy womanhood.

As I anticipate. (22 days)

Infinite Possibilities

I should be dreaming but instead I'm writing. Actually I should be studing for my Spanish grammer exam. Regardless, I must make it a habit to journal, blog, compose, create, draw--something. Express myself somehow.
I will officially be an adult in 23 days, graduate in 2 months, and be in Spain in 5 quick months.

Since I'm so absolutely wordy tonight, I'll leave with something I stole from Jason, from Deepak:
When you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities.
Deepak Chopra

Chew on that why don't you.

Audio, Video, Disco

I hear, I see, I learn.

Today is breezy but quite sunny. Weather like this always improves the mood. I truly feel for those who live in northern states where sunlight is as common as unicorns. What an absolute bummer. Enjoy alcoholism yankee.

So hearing is yet another part of my content. "Only Got One" is currently playing on my ipod, tickling my eardrums with fantastic beats and harmonies. Without music life would be even duller than without sunshine. What a bore.

Genres of music allow for entertainment through any high or low. The love I have for it revolves around that very aspect. Feeling angry, loved, hurt, bubbly, on top of the world, or like grace kelly(..deserving a hand slap..)--there's always some assurance in the intricacies of instrument and voice intertwined. I am utterly in love with music.

Springtime. Ah, green everywhere.. wildflowers, sunshowers, skyscapes, life and growth in motion. Art, people, words and nature are containers of real beauty. Without eyes, this world is nothing but a thing. It's a masterpiece. Another feeling of pity, those ho are blind, may they be blessed with the ability to grasp the majesty and beauty of the surrounding atmosphere.

Throughout the observation, many things absorbed--hearing and seeing equal learning.

Escribir.

When all else fails, when feeling as though being "unique" is hardly possible, write. Nobody else does it quite the same. Passion: writing, singing, reading, music. A cohesive little bunch. Dreams: live in another culture, learn another language, express myself in everything, read and write like crazy. Become me.

Escribir siempre. Esto perpetua. Once it is recorded, it is immortal. My english teacher stated that once you capture a moment on video, paper, or wherever, you make yourself immortal. The idea is purely lovely--that forever a piece of me is living. While her statement was in jest as we viewed literature critics of the 80's who were still stuck in the 70's, her words rang so true.