Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Earth Day

Happy Earth Day, try to be green.

The first tattoo has been etched into my body, and wow does it look amazing. I'm hooked. They're beautiful. I know it all depends on what you get but art on skin is ina whole new dimension. Utter beauty. Now i have to say the itching and peeling and scabbing isn't my kind of beauty, but all the pain and now this little itch is well worth it.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Historic, right.

Every time I make an assumption, yep, you guessed it, I make an ass out of myself. Well,not every single time. But seriously, I am a bad assumer. I just made up a word. And I ave officially become an ass. ?

Nevertheless, I had a marvelous birthday. So much positive attention is always good for the ego. I felt beautiful, myself, and ever-so-slightly, free. But not completely, obviously. The cake was nice, but chocolate. The balloons were, too (nice, nice, very nice) but one popped on the way home. I wanted to bless out that monkey of a boy on the bus. But that is simply what I deserve for being an ass. A bus ride home on my 18th birthday. I don't think "ass" is a good descriptive word though, I am by no means a jerk of any kind, but a lousy assumption maker and decision maker indeed. I think cursing is just something that is a bit liberating, adult like, maybe? Well, never mind. Ha, I'm big timin' now. Saying bad words, eating chocolate cake (my favorite is vanilla, hello. it's been nearly eighteen years, and still no idea?) I need to stop the bitter teenager nonsense. I am a woman. Grown adult woman. And let's pretend I have every adult responsibility and stress that comes along with it, so I must stop being a bitter child and face life as a mature human being.

Two new books acquired today: Siddhartha and God Bless You, Doctor Kevorkian. God bless Kurt Vonnegut, and I'm excited to read Siddhartha as well. Maybe find someone more to bless. God bless JROH. I could have another gratitude list on my hands..

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

What it's like

My last high school birthday.
My first birthday as an adult.
What more is there to say? What is it like? I feel no different. I have not experienced anything remotely adultlike as of today. I still answer to the same authority. Ew I sound so high and mighty saying adult all the time. It truly isn't so. I still am treated as a child therefore that must be what I am. How pitiful is that logic though, really? I AM ME. Others will not determine who I am. They cannot. I feel the need for a gratitude list on this fine day. How especially nice considering the significant day, after all.
*KDH--nobody else called me at 7:30 in the morning to tell me "happy birthday". truly my very best friend
*Ferrero Rocher--as I am like a mad woman, chocolate always satisfies the soul
*balloons--as tacky and childish as they may be, I still enjoy the added attention on the special day.
*hooker heels--not really. but heels nonetheless.
*abercrombie boys with no brain--how wonderful, oh the fun
*coffee--it is the one item I must never leave out, since I depend on it to write. well, to survive. yikes.
*mika--gays make the best music I swear
*a natural tan--not the fake-bake kind, but the hard earned, vitamin d kind. sweet jesus hallelujah.
*momma. yeah I know. whew.
*and Rachel Corrie(23 when she was killed). I find much inspiration in her life and words--not the typical peace weeny inspiration, but the value of self-confidence and genuine expression. of he love and analysis of life. raw life. and proving that living in another country makes life a whole lot bigger. full of meaning and beauty.
More to come as the day progresses. This is a day to go down in history. Hah--always have to end on such a sarcastic note. So it goes.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Eve

Tomorrow I am Eighteen. Eighteen. Wow. I have a feeling nothing in my life is going to change. Pessimistic? No, just coming to sense the inevitable reality upon me. Nothing crazy good is going to happen, I will just be considered one year older, considered an adult, but no major changes will occur. No running away with the fairytale prince, no military enlistment, no young hopeless marriage, no apartment on my own writing and living completely indy. Nupe. Na. Nope. Nada.
Instead, I will continue this lifestyle. Breathing. In and out. Looking forward to what lies ahead and forgetting the past. Looking forward to Spain and to education and to new love and experiencing the world outside of the small southern town I currently reside in. I do not call it home. I am not home. My home is not of this world.
Ah, I just remembered; I do get to do something "crazy good" upon reaching adulthood: I am privileged to have the opportunity to down a half-gallon of Breyers Vanilla Swirl ice cream in the morning for breakfast, with my coffee. Nice, nice, very nice.
I have to give myself a big pat on the back since I have resisted temptation for some time now; my parents would be oh so proud. And sadly all I am for it is utterly depressed and in pain. The side effects will wear off, and the hurt will make me stronger, right? Thankfully, caffeine and food are my comforts, along with the glorious art of reading and writing, and getting encouragement and hugs-DC. So there's some optimism. Hah.
On the eve of my birthday celebration, I am open and elaborate, I am trying to be excited and jubilant. All I know is I can smoke now. Legally. And vote. and club. and get a tattoo. and run away. Oh really, be serious. Nothing changed but a day, a wrinkle in time, and a term. Adult. Well, "Here we are"
I have officially arrived.
Topped off with sime juicy sarcasm. The best kind.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter 2009

Pizza and Ambrosia. Electric football and pictures.
Not the common sunday lunch for an easter, but presumably comfortable, interesting, and laughable. Next year won't be the same-no doubt. No pizza or funny football hobbies, but I am anticipating something quite good.
Books seem to haunt me. Rather, themes and lessons learned.
Good quote today, Benjamin Franklin, something to the effect of laziness being so slow that poverty will soon overtake him. Food for thought.
Say goodnight and go.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Happy Easter

After being a glutton this afternoon, I am so very close to passing out due to the immense lethargy overtaking of my being. Food was demolished today. And I am reaping all of the lovely benefits. Just figured i should put the 'ol noggin and phalanges to use before my siesta.
Monday I meet with a girl my age for lunch, she's from Spain. I am bragging. I am lucky. In 5 months I am in Spain. I am beyond lucky. I am blessed. And oh so excited. Seriously though. WOW.. 5 more months..
And in 4 days, well, yeah. Not that anything is going to change. Blah. It will be marvelous regardless. Yes, indeed. I will make it so.
Be a dynamo of volition.

Oh by the way, this is the weekend in which the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is celebrated, so Jesus--Thank You, and Have a Happy Easter.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

turmoil, fever, bittersweet hell

There will be no more excuses. I write when available and fluid. Blah. Granted I actually wrote some good junk yesterday, right before I took myself a 13 hour+ nap. Fell asleep sometime around 5pm, give or take, and got up this morning at 6 to get to my guidance appointment 45 minutes early. Oh the joy of being on Spring Break. With no social life. Yip yip yippee. Well tomorrow is the last weekday left of this magnificent break, and I must get as much sun as I possibly can, worshipping the sun has been my one enjoyable outlet this week. Besides learning how to communicate and open up to another stranger. Good tears, good times.
I suppose I could reimpose the complete rant I went on yesterday, but here's but a glimpse. Ha (vislumbre de la vida).
Primero, some random thoughts/words/phrases I jotted down..:
To whom do I give this honor? Blessed Assurance. Chrysanthemum (t'was simply boasting since I could spell it). Blistering Irony (thanks, J Balls). Waste Away the Day.
And then I found this old thing, resting in my folder, hopelessly on the back of a doodle:
oh! what bliss
through whisper and hiss
does the wind carry the song
through the doubt,
pain and drought
my soul yearns for the song
so the song goes:
once I loved
once I fell
felt turmoil, fever, bittersweet hell

+didn't quite finish it, but it has some promise ;)
maybe someday...
and for tonight, I will not reimpose any more, but leave with:

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.
Well said, Mr. Szasz (pronounced /sas/), well said.

Monday, April 6, 2009

SB Babe

For a day with little inspiration, it sure was a gorgeous one to look at. The weather was magnificent; with a constant cool breese and and endless supply of sunshine. After the rain, the spring colors never see more life and vibrance. Good picture day. Many bright colors and luscious growth about. I always can comment on the weather when there seems to be nothing else.

If only my mind had seen such life. It was a dormant t.v. watching, eating, sleeping day for the mj. Taking advantage of some serious Spring Break action. Woo hoo.

Buenas noches.

Tomorrow is a new day.

With new endless opportunities.

Plvs vltra.
This was yesterday:
Sun, ocean, sand, waves, sky: in harmony.
I was so caught up in the moment and so sunburnt following the escapade that blogging escaped my mind. A good sacrifice, if you ask me. I wish I lived on the beach.
This is today:
Aloe, drink lots of water, do lots of homework, try to enjoy the first day of spring break. I really want to start a new book, but I'm having trouble finding one. It's funny--the good books always seem to appear, I don't look for them.. maybe I'll have one of those moments..
Until then, I'm going to take a moment and view part of a movie about inbred cannibals. What a lovely mix.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Shameless lies.

I'm sorry to admit professing shameless lies. Well just one, really. I managed to miss another journal day. A sincere "oops" is required here. I did, however, spend my time reading another most excellent book from Kurt V. Cat's Cradle was another though provoker. Exactly what I need right now. Seriously. It sucked me in and made me question much of my personal philosophy, or lack there of. Thus provided a spark to fill the empty spaces.
The read was so enjoyable, considering all the important underlined parts and little notes in the margins (on top of it being a Vonnegut). JROH lent me her personal copy of the book. Lucky me. An enlightening experience indeed.
Oh, today was my last high school talent show. Poor me, growing old. I was overtaken by nervousness today (for some odd reason), as if I wasn't good, or something. I let it get to me late in my Voegele tribute. Ah, well. It's only life. I probably am the only one to notice detail like that, losing my voice control late in the game. I could give some great excuses.. the whole school (as it seemed) was focused on me in those intense few minutes, and I seem to struggle as far as being judged by my peers. Still. I know, how juvenile. Typically puerile and silly of me. I am talented--I won last year. Hello. Focus.
I will be eighteen in twelve days.
I see professional "wise council" in six.
Yet there is no certainty or date to dwell on which indicates what else my life holds.
Ah, the mysterious, sublime life I lead. Or follow. Live. Shameless lies.

It's like a book elegantly bound but in a language I can't read, just yet.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

On the Radio

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

Regina Spektor couldn't have stated it any better.
So today was nerve straining, but the outcome was effortlessly positive and beautiful. And music continues to help in the process. Oh, how it soothes the soul. The weary, broken, pitiful soul.
There will be more tomorrow. I started a new book. The rain still falls.

Which reminds me..
They sing, raindrops falling on my head
But that doesn't mean that i am dead