Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Well, here we are.

It's Tuesday, and I'm behind on my blogging. Yesterday I read the first 8 chapters of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. Awesome book. It makes you think about life and about death. So it goes.

Funny story about dear Kurt's novel. Yesterday, I was recommended Slaughterhouse Five, and assumed that Ms. Henderson had the book. She did, of course, so I borrowed it. As I walked back to my 4th period classroom, I was just taking a quick glance over the book, and I noticed my name was written in pencil on the inside cover, to the side. Although she has NEVER had a Mariah in any class until ME, the book had my name written in it. ODD?? She had no idea that I was going to ask for it. I smiled to myself in astonishment. I was meant to read it, it was meant to be in my hands, and that's all I know. Funny how things happen. Odd and beautiful and meaningful.

Can I just say--I'm so thankful for people. People who are real, who are sincere, who are thinkers. I've never appreciated others like I do now. And I've never appreciated relationships like I do presently. Something clicked in my mind, that things happen for a reason, that people are inserted in my life for specific purposes. And, as it happens, it cannot be explained. I love how it all comes about. Mysteriously and spontaneously. Because of others, I enjoy the experiences of life more. I love life. What a beautiful mess it is. Like picking up trash in dresses. Well, here we are.

I've read that making a gratitude list is good for the soul. Acknowledging benefits in life.

Here goes,

I appreciate..

people who think for themselves-I have lived lazily, allowing others to think for me.. now I grow to respect thinkers more and more

coffee-without it, my life would be dull and short; more time spent asleep, less time spent reading, less time spent thinking

words-unencumbered numbered words, and hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words

forgiveness-without that, life would be a constant pain

advice-well, good advice, like: PLAY THE GAME, RESPECT, APOLOGIZE. Through the rough stuff, it's certainly life-changing, amazing

love-though it comes in forms I cannot fathom, in ways I have not yet experienced, I am appreciative of the love that is shown to me

life-I have taken it for granted, and will do it again, but the hand I have been dealt is one that shows promise for my future, that is what I am most grateful for

I must finish the book today. 2 more chapters.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Quiero ser..

I read a journal the other day, and was attracted back to it again today, just a minute ago. It was written by a girl just a bit older than I (she's in France as an exchange student); she mirrors what I fully desire to be a year from now. Whether I go abroad or not, this is exactly what I want to become, to embody the persona immaculately with the assurance I've longed for (in my own way, but with the same qualities). I'll say it again and again, that is what I yearn for--self-assurance and awareness. I want to discover and create who I am. I cannot wait.
She wrote on how she has changed: matured, and lost the childish, lazy tendencies to procrastinate and waste any time. She helped me understand (as much as my inexperienced and young mind can fathom) how great the exchange experience impacted her life, and her hopes of others feeling the same feelings she has. If I do not get the opportunity to go abroad, I want to push myself to the place where she is, I want to look at and be pleased with the way I have lived, with the things I have done and with the person I have become. What an awesome thought.
And with that, I press on.
One day at a time.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Narcissism Gets the Best of Us

Today I Am One Step Closer

One step closer to living my one dream
Of being in a new country,
Transforming myself,
Becoming Mariah.

Now Only Time Can Tell

And Counselors

And, well, Mariah


Being in love with yourself is not an easy task. It seems as though it would be, but it takes a lot of work. After a while, however, it does come naturally, as any habit or lifestyle would. It takes over the mind, and is, though time and effort-consuming, fun. It is ever so unfortunate when a sin like so is fun. It makes it so much more difficult to break oneself down, destroy the monster, eliminate the habit. Relapse and second offenses come often. The battle is not won alone. One day at a time,

Friday, March 27, 2009

I have doubted, I have used, lied, cheated, stolen, wasted, and hurt you
I'm at the lowest place, and can't see a positive
Wish I could turn back the last year of my existence

I, I, I
I'm so selfish
So ridiculously narcissistic
Revolving under my own gun
Almost there

But I can move on
Give it up, be free
It's a great place, It's humiliating
It hurts like hell
But it's a struggle and a win
A death and a birth

And I continue to learn, to push, and to trust
All the while
Hating who I've been
Knowing what I've caused

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


March is Women's History Month. Unfortunately, I am not "officially" a woman until next month, but whatever. Still a 17-year-old girl. This month's for mommy then. Enjoy my dear.

What is it to be a woman? Have kids, do laundry, be supported by a man? No, that is a housewife. I want to understand and live as a woman, to find what it really means and is. Who is John Galt?

This morning I finished The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. This morning I was informed that her son committed suicide. At first, I though he had died today. It was the 16th I think, of this month though. Yet TODAY I found out, not by looking for it--just a piece of random information from Henderson. Odd? Quite. Mental illnesses certainly runs her family, since Plath herself committed suicide in 1963. But I had to find out the day I finished her book. Really?

On a less morbid note, I feel accomplished to have finished a book in 3 days. I enjoy the immoderate, self-indulgence of a good binge novel. It empowers me. I realize I must do it more often, thanks to scribd.com. I just love scribd.

And I'll add more later,

for now--

enjoy womanhood.

As I anticipate. (22 days)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Infinite Possibilities

I should be dreaming but instead I'm writing. Actually I should be studing for my Spanish grammer exam. Regardless, I must make it a habit to journal, blog, compose, create, draw--something. Express myself somehow.
I will officially be an adult in 23 days, graduate in 2 months, and be in Spain in 5 quick months.

Since I'm so absolutely wordy tonight, I'll leave with something I stole from Jason, from Deepak:
When you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities.
Deepak Chopra

Chew on that why don't you.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Audio, Video, Disco

I hear, I see, I learn.

Today is breezy but quite sunny. Weather like this always improves the mood. I truly feel for those who live in northern states where sunlight is as common as unicorns. What an absolute bummer. Enjoy alcoholism yankee.

So hearing is yet another part of my content. "Only Got One" is currently playing on my ipod, tickling my eardrums with fantastic beats and harmonies. Without music life would be even duller than without sunshine. What a bore.

Genres of music allow for entertainment through any high or low. The love I have for it revolves around that very aspect. Feeling angry, loved, hurt, bubbly, on top of the world, or like grace kelly(..deserving a hand slap..)--there's always some assurance in the intricacies of instrument and voice intertwined. I am utterly in love with music.

Springtime. Ah, green everywhere.. wildflowers, sunshowers, skyscapes, life and growth in motion. Art, people, words and nature are containers of real beauty. Without eyes, this world is nothing but a thing. It's a masterpiece. Another feeling of pity, those ho are blind, may they be blessed with the ability to grasp the majesty and beauty of the surrounding atmosphere.

Throughout the observation, many things absorbed--hearing and seeing equal learning.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


When all else fails, when feeling as though being "unique" is hardly possible, write. Nobody else does it quite the same. Passion: writing, singing, reading, music. A cohesive little bunch. Dreams: live in another culture, learn another language, express myself in everything, read and write like crazy. Become me.

Escribir siempre. Esto perpetua. Once it is recorded, it is immortal. My english teacher stated that once you capture a moment on video, paper, or wherever, you make yourself immortal. The idea is purely lovely--that forever a piece of me is living. While her statement was in jest as we viewed literature critics of the 80's who were still stuck in the 70's, her words rang so true.