la duda es mi único vicio.

time to do a little think.vent.blog.,
we are complexities. we are humans. we came about somehow, sometime, someway. we tend to search for meaning, for a higher being, for light. i´ve recently done some thinking about why and
what we do (when we do it).

religions are formed and may grow or deteriorate through the passing of years, they will either be followed or cast out, become hopes for some or remain mythical theologies or absurdities.

there is constantly more to learn, more to know in this ever-changing, moving, growing earth. each moment any given person will imitate what was done before them, in days or years gone by, because it is what seems right or natural. but at the same time brand new action, thought, and intricate individualism comes about.

truth be told.

when i see you, i smile. when i cannot see you, i smile all the more.

the truth of the matter is, i can smile without you. me smiling is my feeling, my action, my life. don't over judge yourself, or under estimate me.

the fight between reality and fantasy may sound a bit obscure, or childish even. but i say what i say not to be understood by others but only to understand myself better.

...

life is too short to hold grudges.
i´ve always told you all i wanted was for you to be happy. and you are and i´m glad.
i have no problem waiting, i´m enjoying everyday, with its new challenges and lessons. i love being surprised and having the unexpected jump into my life randomly.

the truth is my torture. love is a waiting game?

in the midst of vision
i came to the strong conclusion
that the begging was for freedom, for redemption of sins
never mind irregularity
be free, my soul
grow, be strong and true
just don´t ever deny the first influence
first love and first joy
seek what you will with vigor
be authentic and right
and always remember that by which you came
as it is where you shall return
with hope i plead for honor
as i am bid well and goodbye
i´ll be seeing you
in my dreams
coming real in front of me all too soon
for this world will inevitably seem the same
and that is when we meet again

live both worlds, learn the most.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

thanks, charlie. i love to compare my life to this quote. particularly right now, as i am living in a "foreign" country at 18 years old. i am constantly bombarded with choices, there are times when i do the right thing, and there are times i dont. but i am trying my hardest to be true to myself and to live this year to it´s fullest. and as i make every choice, a reaction occurs. and i learn from that reaction, whether it comes from me, from another person, or situation, etc..

not only am i attempting to master a new language here in spain, but i am also growing as a person, changing and developing inside. i am anxious to see how much i "change" when i get back to the states, and how my view changes towards certain things. or all things. it´s a mystery to me, something i am eager to explore all over again, with a new perspective.

the highs and lows here so far have been remarkable, for the first time in my life i have been truly homesick and depressed in that way. on the other side of the spectrum, i have been more happy than i have ever felt in my life, with new emotional highs and positive relationships (with my host parents, friends, nature, my maker). i also now have a hunger to grow more, to learn more, to experience brand new things further, and understand myself and the world around me better.

and i have about 8 more months to do so. man, life is good.

i have to be so grateful for the painful times or uncomfortable moments because every one of them imparts another tidbit of wisdom on this little curious girl.

"Life is a succession of moments. To live each moment is to succeed."-Corita Kent

just breathe.

life is full of choices. full of motions, emotions, reactions, newness, etc.
i cannot speak as though i know very much, as i have not yet lived for very long. but, with the few years given me, i have started to become who i am. many times i allow my feelings to act as my devil, to hinder me from living without fear, doubt, and pain. to pull me down and act as an immobilizer. these times feel like the end, as though nothing can improve. but that is when i must re-adjust my focus and dwell on positivity. sometimes life feels too overwhelming or painful, and i simply want an easier path to take. however feelings come and go as the wind blows, sometimes strong, sometimes calm, or sometimes somewhere in between.
then, a rationality of my seemingly depressed reality comes into play. breathe, just breathe. count up those blessings, mariah. then decide how lousy life really is. it´s impossible to feel down after making a list of what i have, of who cares about me, and what i know i can accomplish in the future.
okay, so i live in spain. i have the best mom back in florida. my dad is my hero. no man will ever match up to him. i got complimented today on my spanish. i live 5 minutes walking distance fromthe mediterranean sea. my future shows nothing but promise. i like myself. i like my life. the end.

irrevocably enchanted.

take advantage of your opportunities

tell me you love me every chance you get

take no time for granted

live for the moment

and love with everything you have

um, possibly best advice ever given me. the man should write music or something. or just love me for a good long time.. and never giving up on me (as i'm not as strong as he). *but, i will be. so--please don't fear a shallow or minuscule underlying amount of confidence. i do not know such a bleak heart. not in myself.

happiness is a choice. so as long as the choice is made to follow the words above i know i can attain quite the satisfactory life. the first time reading the quote (yes i just called it a "quote" ;) i immediately saved it, without hesitation. to me it sums up blissfulness and truly sweet, beautiful love. and living to the fullest potential in harmony with the people around. what more could a person ask for? it takes two to tango, you know. and why can't everyone just consume themselves in love, in peace, and being positive. wow sounds really flowery and euphoric, hardly practical. but in fact it is practical. he's always been practical and into being selfless, while gently leading others to enjoy life just as he does. and giving all the while. giving more than anyone i know. sharing happiness and being available and holding a person at such high value.

and it took me this long to really understand this. oh time really does torture a person. while building and growing stronger through every bit. thanks time, for beating me up.. i'm ready for the next punch whenever. guess you could say i'm a glutton for punishment.

well, endless possibilities lie in everyone, in every heart. the choices are right there. the potential unfathomable. oh, to be irrevocably enchanted and consumed.

i have nothing but thanks in my heart at this point. so much thankfulness, in fact, it happens to overflow into an absolute and grateful type of love. giving me an obstinate countenance in the most positive way. an intricate and personal feeling, that is all. everyone has their own version. mine includes another person. and further, mine is because of another person.

deep breath, don't cry. i know that was beautiful.

and so are blue eyes and spontaneous i love you's. ridiculously beautiful.

................................................................................................................................................

well, to contrast. this is about 6 months old, un vislumbre de la vida at a different time and through different eyes. one of those recuperations from a really hard blow, a temporary paralysis.

might be back in the archives of the blog world but it recently sparked new and fresh interest into my ever-changing, learning mind. so here it is, slightly short- but- new- old stuff...

Sometimes, looking for help, hindrance finds me instead. Or a hindrance can be disguised as a help, or vice versa. I believe I have paralyzed my emotions, to a point where my thoughts no longer make sense. I've lost meaning, motivation, and peace. I have all of the tools needed to overcome this monster of sorts yet I doubt everything. I doubt purpose, love, justice. I am unsure of everything, I dwell in the pity of my past. And lack a desire to examine my heart, to see the extent of the ugliness present.

...ugh (sound of disgust), so that was yucky, for lack of a more pedantic term. those days were uncomfortable and full of aches. yet those make up the time when i had to fight against everything natural to overcome the horrid flesh and grow healthier and stronger. to mold and shape who i am now, to who i will be. it was one of the more difficult instances in the scant amount of days i've lived. not an enjoyable time to say the least. only now is it possible to feel so grateful.

in closing, I quote a random poem excerpt from Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage against the dying of the light

In essence, you can sleep when you’re dead..