Mantra

I am human.
I need to breathe with control and love without condition.
Love is sacred, vast and omniscient.
It has depth beyond recognition.
Without it life is void of all meaning.
There are symptoms and subjects given
to excuse faults and undermine the reality of improvement.
And I, being full of willingness to overcome
am greater than a symptom with paralysis and a diagnosis.
Free of doubt, reluctance and fear,
I live for the positive understanding that is happiness.
That which is acceptance of jubilee.
With gratitude I strive each day
into newness with confidence and dignity.
I am self-sufficient and full of power.
I openly accept control.

My common delusion is that perfection is a tangible happiness, an attainable felicity. But happiness is gratefully accepting it's not

Blessed are the pure in heart.

The local gas station up the street from where I live is always being run by the same man. I frequent this particular place about 3 times a week, without fail. The man has dread locks and speaks with an accent. Never a negative vibe from him. I usually just say my usual greeting, pay for my cheap cigarettes and go. But tonight I made a comment about how often he works, and he informed me that he works 7 days a week. I told him something along the lines of "well, at least you can sleep in" after finding out his ours at this BP station, but he shook his head. Little did I know, he's got a family of 4 in Africa, and he supports them by himself. "There's a second job", he tells me. "Sometimes you have to do more than you need to for just yourself...to help others". He said that he doesn't always want to grind to pay the extra, but he is working his hardest to have his kids move here to Florida. It is worth the added effort to him, a beautiful and noteworthy thing. His heart was emerging from his body as he explained all of this. I saw the raw battle against self versus selflessness, and it was obvious the latter was winning.

The trapped feeling being emitted by this man lasted but a moment, when it took a bold turn to a positive outlook. His hard work and the love for his family brought me to a realization; what it means to be happy with what I have. I only support myself. I do what I want, when I want, and enjoy my part-time restaurant job. I don't even have any pets. I take care of ME, focus on ME, and never really think past the idea of my self-indulged lifestyle.

What happened tonight hit me hard in the heart. Made me think, reflect, and above all things it drew a gratefulness out of me that I'd not yet experienced. Sure, growing up you learn to be happy with what you have, but the more I think about this man's situation the more I look like a lousy human being. There's no award for being a self-absorbed part-time worker. And unfortunately there's not a scholarship for a pure heart. But there are blessings granted to those who are of this caliber. Unseen and unforeseen. I admire what is to come for such a being as this guy, whose name I cannot pronounce, from a place in Africa I cannot locate on a map, with a heart of love I can but hallucinate.

...............................................................

I realize I am blessed when I meet someone who supports their 3 kids in another country, works 2 jobs 7 days a week here in the states.. just make conversation with people, because understanding people's struggles and values is understanding gratitude and truly defines love. Real and untainted.

All it takes is a mouth to smile and an ear to hear.

though i create for us so many goodbyes, it always strengthens our next hello.

though i create for us so many goodbyes, it always strengthens our next hello.

Love.

I live my life, a series of moments and decisions, with the knowledge that I am loved. I am loved by family and friends, that is for certain. But what is this thing called love? A feeling, passion, affection, to need or require without compensation.. And is it timeless and eternal like the God of man who can be studied in the Bible, who can be a personal companion spiritually? That can be proven, yes, but with personal experience.
I feel love given me. I see it daily. It provides me with joy and satisfies that want to be nurtured people are born with, then gives reason and opportunity to love back. But where does it come from? It is relatively easy to identify the feeling, but to find the quintessence can be a journey, if trying to rule out Creationism. So why do that? A God, body unseen but not unheard can be given that credit. The prevalence of such a creator is entirely everywhere. And the love unconditional. I struggle with a selfishness and hope that man can come up with some idea that makes sense about where everything came from. There was initially a seed planted or rather there is a boundless, infinite author of love, the author of life. This love is stronger than humanly possible--had to be in order to support all mankind despite astounding imperfection.

I've got to pick up where I left off later. Time to go live off of some lovin'

"We are happy when for everything inside us there is a corresponding something outside us." WBY

Fly

Living with the mantra Plvs Vltra, I desire to always be open-minded, always up for growing. Further beyond to me signifies having the courage to spread my wings and fly, to face challenges and experience much.

Just getting back to my family after a year away has helped me realize a lot. I understand and hold a stronger bond with my loved ones, I appreciate like never before the relationships I have and the love that is given me. Always keeping in mind what I ought to be grateful for, in this time I have more gratefulness than ever. And it just keeps getting more profound. Sacrifices were made for me to go away and pursue a dream, and have yet to be made as I further reach for the perpetual sky of my dreams and upcoming experiences.

Spain gave me knew eyes in a new land. The culture enchanted me, the people accepted and taught me. I took pieces of where I was that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I faced challenges with a language that initially scared me out of my mind, but in the end left me dreaming and breathing and living completely in Spanish.

What I take away from such a fantastic time is a joy that cannot be explained. I will never again live another year like this past. So what I only want now is to further my life and experiences, challenges and growth. Whatever life brings, let it be the wind under the wings which allow me to fly.

feelings.

Feelings.
We all have them. They are very real.

One day you may think you are in love. The next day you may never want to love someone again. Do you control your feelings, or do your feelings control you?

Do you make ALL of your decisions based on feelings? Sometimes its hard not to.
Are you really "listening to you heart"? Or Just what you temporarily want or think you need?

Life is full of decisions. Do you let your feelings make them for you? Are you just thinking about the here and now?

Does the future ever cross your mind? Don't let them take over. You will lose yourself in your own feelings that are just temporary.

Where do you want to be in 10 years? If you base all your decisions on you feelings, will you ever get there?

Before you let your feelings take over, does any of these things cross your mind?

*written by my little sister, Naomi 13 years old. her understanding and inquisitiveness is so cool.
I love you Naomi, I´m here for you. And I´m glad you´re there for me.

la duda es mi único vicio.

time to do a little think.vent.blog.,
we are complexities. we are humans. we came about somehow, sometime, someway. we tend to search for meaning, for a higher being, for light. i´ve recently done some thinking about why and
what we do (when we do it).

religions are formed and may grow or deteriorate through the passing of years, they will either be followed or cast out, become hopes for some or remain mythical theologies or absurdities.

there is constantly more to learn, more to know in this ever-changing, moving, growing earth. each moment any given person will imitate what was done before them, in days or years gone by, because it is what seems right or natural. but at the same time brand new action, thought, and intricate individualism comes about.

truth be told.

when i see you, i smile. when i cannot see you, i smile all the more.

the truth of the matter is, i can smile without you. me smiling is my feeling, my action, my life. don't over judge yourself, or under estimate me.

the fight between reality and fantasy may sound a bit obscure, or childish even. but i say what i say not to be understood by others but only to understand myself better.

...

life is too short to hold grudges.
i´ve always told you all i wanted was for you to be happy. and you are and i´m glad.
i have no problem waiting, i´m enjoying everyday, with its new challenges and lessons. i love being surprised and having the unexpected jump into my life randomly.

the truth is my torture. love is a waiting game?

in the midst of vision
i came to the strong conclusion
that the begging was for freedom, for redemption of sins
never mind irregularity
be free, my soul
grow, be strong and true
just don´t ever deny the first influence
first love and first joy
seek what you will with vigor
be authentic and right
and always remember that by which you came
as it is where you shall return
with hope i plead for honor
as i am bid well and goodbye
i´ll be seeing you
in my dreams
coming real in front of me all too soon
for this world will inevitably seem the same
and that is when we meet again

live both worlds, learn the most.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

thanks, charlie. i love to compare my life to this quote. particularly right now, as i am living in a "foreign" country at 18 years old. i am constantly bombarded with choices, there are times when i do the right thing, and there are times i dont. but i am trying my hardest to be true to myself and to live this year to it´s fullest. and as i make every choice, a reaction occurs. and i learn from that reaction, whether it comes from me, from another person, or situation, etc..

not only am i attempting to master a new language here in spain, but i am also growing as a person, changing and developing inside. i am anxious to see how much i "change" when i get back to the states, and how my view changes towards certain things. or all things. it´s a mystery to me, something i am eager to explore all over again, with a new perspective.

the highs and lows here so far have been remarkable, for the first time in my life i have been truly homesick and depressed in that way. on the other side of the spectrum, i have been more happy than i have ever felt in my life, with new emotional highs and positive relationships (with my host parents, friends, nature, my maker). i also now have a hunger to grow more, to learn more, to experience brand new things further, and understand myself and the world around me better.

and i have about 8 more months to do so. man, life is good.

i have to be so grateful for the painful times or uncomfortable moments because every one of them imparts another tidbit of wisdom on this little curious girl.

"Life is a succession of moments. To live each moment is to succeed."-Corita Kent

just breathe.

life is full of choices. full of motions, emotions, reactions, newness, etc.
i cannot speak as though i know very much, as i have not yet lived for very long. but, with the few years given me, i have started to become who i am. many times i allow my feelings to act as my devil, to hinder me from living without fear, doubt, and pain. to pull me down and act as an immobilizer. these times feel like the end, as though nothing can improve. but that is when i must re-adjust my focus and dwell on positivity. sometimes life feels too overwhelming or painful, and i simply want an easier path to take. however feelings come and go as the wind blows, sometimes strong, sometimes calm, or sometimes somewhere in between.
then, a rationality of my seemingly depressed reality comes into play. breathe, just breathe. count up those blessings, mariah. then decide how lousy life really is. it´s impossible to feel down after making a list of what i have, of who cares about me, and what i know i can accomplish in the future.
okay, so i live in spain. i have the best mom back in florida. my dad is my hero. no man will ever match up to him. i got complimented today on my spanish. i live 5 minutes walking distance fromthe mediterranean sea. my future shows nothing but promise. i like myself. i like my life. the end.

irrevocably enchanted.

take advantage of your opportunities

tell me you love me every chance you get

take no time for granted

live for the moment

and love with everything you have

um, possibly best advice ever given me. the man should write music or something. or just love me for a good long time.. and never giving up on me (as i'm not as strong as he). *but, i will be. so--please don't fear a shallow or minuscule underlying amount of confidence. i do not know such a bleak heart. not in myself.

happiness is a choice. so as long as the choice is made to follow the words above i know i can attain quite the satisfactory life. the first time reading the quote (yes i just called it a "quote" ;) i immediately saved it, without hesitation. to me it sums up blissfulness and truly sweet, beautiful love. and living to the fullest potential in harmony with the people around. what more could a person ask for? it takes two to tango, you know. and why can't everyone just consume themselves in love, in peace, and being positive. wow sounds really flowery and euphoric, hardly practical. but in fact it is practical. he's always been practical and into being selfless, while gently leading others to enjoy life just as he does. and giving all the while. giving more than anyone i know. sharing happiness and being available and holding a person at such high value.

and it took me this long to really understand this. oh time really does torture a person. while building and growing stronger through every bit. thanks time, for beating me up.. i'm ready for the next punch whenever. guess you could say i'm a glutton for punishment.

well, endless possibilities lie in everyone, in every heart. the choices are right there. the potential unfathomable. oh, to be irrevocably enchanted and consumed.

i have nothing but thanks in my heart at this point. so much thankfulness, in fact, it happens to overflow into an absolute and grateful type of love. giving me an obstinate countenance in the most positive way. an intricate and personal feeling, that is all. everyone has their own version. mine includes another person. and further, mine is because of another person.

deep breath, don't cry. i know that was beautiful.

and so are blue eyes and spontaneous i love you's. ridiculously beautiful.

................................................................................................................................................

well, to contrast. this is about 6 months old, un vislumbre de la vida at a different time and through different eyes. one of those recuperations from a really hard blow, a temporary paralysis.

might be back in the archives of the blog world but it recently sparked new and fresh interest into my ever-changing, learning mind. so here it is, slightly short- but- new- old stuff...

Sometimes, looking for help, hindrance finds me instead. Or a hindrance can be disguised as a help, or vice versa. I believe I have paralyzed my emotions, to a point where my thoughts no longer make sense. I've lost meaning, motivation, and peace. I have all of the tools needed to overcome this monster of sorts yet I doubt everything. I doubt purpose, love, justice. I am unsure of everything, I dwell in the pity of my past. And lack a desire to examine my heart, to see the extent of the ugliness present.

...ugh (sound of disgust), so that was yucky, for lack of a more pedantic term. those days were uncomfortable and full of aches. yet those make up the time when i had to fight against everything natural to overcome the horrid flesh and grow healthier and stronger. to mold and shape who i am now, to who i will be. it was one of the more difficult instances in the scant amount of days i've lived. not an enjoyable time to say the least. only now is it possible to feel so grateful.

in closing, I quote a random poem excerpt from Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage against the dying of the light

In essence, you can sleep when you’re dead..

HU

FOR EACH OF US THERE IS A MOMENT OF DISCOVERY. WE TURN A PAGE. WE RAISE A HAND. AND JUST THEN, IN THE FLASH OF A SYNAPSE, WE LEARN THAT LIFE IS ELEMENTAL. AND THIS KNOWLEDGE CHANGES EVERYTHING. WE LOOK AROUND AND SEE THE GRANDNESS OF THE SCHEME. SODIUM BONDING WITH CHLORIDE. CARBON BONDING WITH OXYGEN. HYDROGEN BONDING WITH OXYGEN. WE SEE ALL THINGS CONNECTED. WE SEE LIFE UNFOLD. AND IN THE DAZZLING BRILLIANCE OF THIS KNOWLEDGE, WE MAY OVERLOOK THE ELEMENT NOT LISTED ON THE CHART. ITS IMPORTANCE SO OBVIOUS ITS PRESENCE IS SIMPLY UNDERSTOOD. THE MISSING ELEMENT IS THE HUMAN ELEMENT. AND WHEN WE ADD IT TO THE EQUATION, THE CHEMISTRY CHANGES. EVERY REACTION IS DIFFERENT. POTASSIUM LOOKS TO BOND WITH POTENTIAL. METALS BEHAVE WITH HARDENED RESOLVE. AND HYDROGEN AND OXYGEN FORM DESIRE. THE HUMAN ELEMENT IS THE ELEMENT OF CHANGE. IT GIVES US OUR FOOTING TO STAND FEARLESSLY AND FACE THE FUTURE. IT IS A WAY OF SEEING THAT GIVES US A WAY OF TOUCHING. ISSUES. AMBITIONS. LIVES.

So I stole this from the old Dow human element campaign. I've read it over and over and I find it just brilliant. Not much of a science buff, yet that's not what this is about, not at all. While the surrounding world is full of beauty and mystery, it is in the human being where real creativity, complexity, and originality can be found. Everyone is unique. Providing potential to do much.
To learn so much, to feel so much, to be so much.

Where am I going with this one..?

I was born to tell you I love you

I am torn to do what I have to.

I am feeling so ambitious..

I have two completely different things, two opportunities in front of me, one lasts only a certain time to be sure, another could last.. A lifetime? That’s how relationships work. Friendships last forever, they don’t just go away. Time will not rewind or erase, neither will the bond be broken. But dreams only last for the night.. Oh and some trips last but a year, one short year of life, and end abruptly and are passed by. Hopefully. Or not..? Torn is exactly the word.

Another word is sacrifice. And openness. Those are rather, things I must practice starting very soon. I do love change so much, I am ready for the best time of my life, yet I am being such a typical girl, to the nth degree. I’m putting my feelings in a place where they could be stepped on, where things could get pretty ugly. I’m also putting how I feel first.. Dangerous. Yes, this has most certainly occurred before now, however this is the most crucial time, the point where everything is heightened and more sensitive than my mother is to the cold. Hives and all..

So, it’s not like I have some crucial decision to make right now, really it is quite the contrary. I have everything I could possibly want. I am surrounded by people who love me, I have an amazing year ahead of me, and I will have an incredible life awaiting me upon my return from the year abroad. Seriously, I must get it together--people would kill for a life like mine. I AM the luckiest girl in the entire world. End of pointless story. Everything is gonna be alright.

Breathe in, Jump forward. No return. Time cannot rewind. Or forget..

I cannot settle for feeling weak, for feeling the inadequacy of giving in, whatever. Instead the more positive mindset must include the following: This is going to be the happiest time of my life. This is pregame for the biggest learning experience thus far. I am focusing on simply surrounding myself with the people I care about immensely and doing things I enjoy most. Including trying new things, even if with old people. Newness will come all too soon. My time should not be taken for granted. Life is what I make of it, or rather what I do with what is given me. I am responsible for it. Wow how repetitious it seems, how often those words come back to haunt me, with greatest ease. There is a time for everything. It’s time to have some fun. Be young, be open to learning but also to enjoying comfort, security, and joy at the fullest extent possible, which is so beyond my spectrum of thinking. And I happen to love that.

Pain and suffering are not for the present. Facing fears and doubts are important, but tiresome is the stab of reality. Ouch. So, “don’t worry, be happy” must fuel everything. “There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance..” Time to be in love with life again. To love and be loved. Nothing over the top, just letting go in order to be as happy as possible.

Support of this cause would be appreciated. It does not take much. Funny, it’s actually the more natural thing to do in this instance. Happy is the girl who drops the arduous weight of insecurity, and enjoys living a thing called life.

An End, A Beginning

In many ways does this title ring true. I have finished my American high school career, graduating from West Nassau High School. I have "graduated" and completed all orientation conferences in preparation for my exchange year. I have ended a relationship.
In the process of leaving this state of Florida and this country, I have met so many amazing people, and I don't want this time to be over. But we are all (in regards to my rye friends), in the next month or two, about to get on many different planes and go to all places in this world, in search of things beyond our knowledge and capacity. We will return changed. Bilingual being the most prevalent change in all of us.. but I am also very curious to see how much we all transform after going through the highs, lows, and challenges of the exchange.
September marks a beginning of a new chapter, of the start of a metamorphosis. Brand new feelings, experiences, people.. these things make me smile right now, but I am sure they will also make me cry.
I am so grateful for this opportunity. The repetitious phrase says it all. Only in my dreams did I imagine doing something like this, living in a European country for a year, getting out there. And attached to this whole "dream come true" concept, I am lucky enough to have a support system like no other. People care so much-they give their time to help me out. To prepare me for MY year. Yeah, I take that personally. Rotary is absolutely amazing. And then I have all these exchange student friends who have so much in common with me (yes, more than being from good 'ole Florida), who understand what I'm going through, and will continue to share similar feelings with me as we all go through common rough times and changes, culture shock and euphoria and curiosity.. and more that I am not aware or ready for. The learning experience.
Saying goodbye yesterday partially gave me an idea that this was, in fact, all coming to life all too soon. We are all about to be gone. For an entire year.. wow.
Thus, it begins so much for so many. It begins the rest of our lives. Personally, it marks a new time, phase, chapter, a new learning experience in a new place doing brand new things. Oh, how I love the sound of that..

Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind.

Seneca